I like to think that most of us are on the same wavelength – that wavelength being that I could not give a shit about people bragging about decorating or exercising on social media to show how ‘productive’ they’ve been during the Covid-19 lockdown. What have I done? Some food photography, a piss-poor attempt of decorating/rearranging my house and I’ve revisited the entire series of the My Dad Wrote A Porno podcast. And guess what, that’s what I’ll be talking about today.
So a quick introduction for those who may have never heard of it, My Dad Wrote A Porno is my all-time favourite podcast. The premise is quite simple. Jamie Morton once received a self-published book from his father to mull over and give thoughts on. The book was erotic literature (in the least erotic way imaginable). Jamie found the pages both traumatic and hilarious and decided to do what any normal person would do. He burnt the evidence shared it with his two close friends (James Cooper and Alice Levine) and turned it into the most brilliant podcast in the world; My Dad Wrote A Porno.
Each episode, Jamie narrates a chapter of his dad (pen name – Rocky Flinstone)’s book while Alice and James give thoughtful and constructive commentary tear it apart. And it is one hell of a ride. Sure, reading porn is funny, but My Dad Wrote A Porno is so much more than that. Why? Because it’s utterly brilliant because of how ludicrously shite it is. Honestly, it is the least-sexy book in erotic literary history. I’m serious. How anybody could muster up the strength to wank to this is beyond me. But that’s what makes it one of the greatest podcasts in the world.
My Dad Wrote A Porno‘s Plot
The book (which has become a series of at least 5 books now) is called ‘Belinda Blinked‘ – ooh, saucy I know! Belinda Blumenthal (the name alone will turn your penis into an ‘innie’) works in the sexually stimulating world of the pots and pans industry where she fucks her way to the top of the corporate ladder (by literally shagging everyone in sight – a lot of which are people who don’t even work at the company). I don’t want to give too much more away about the books but just note that The Duchess is my absolute favourite fictional character in all of literature.
Rocky has a real knack for describing the human anatomy in such bizarre ways that these books become unintentional comedies. Probably the most memorable description of Belinda’s breasts was; “Her tits hung freely, like pomegranates.”
The ‘Belinkers’ Cult
These weird descriptions and quotes have become beloved amongst the My Dad Wrote A Porno tribe. Listening to this podcast is almost like being a member of the most bizarre secret society in the world. Fuck the Freemasons and Scientology – My Dad Wrote A Porno is the only cult you need to be a part of.
Each series of the podcast is one of Rocky Flinstone’s Belinda Blinked books. Although the writing is atrocious, the narrative is genuinely quite amusing. It started off as quite aggressive romp, by book four their was an explosion and death (very erotic) and it somehow turned into a spy novel by book five.
By the end of the first series, the podcast had gained such a strong fanbase that celebrities were outing themselves as “Belinkers“. Series two introduced the ‘footnotes’. A sort of mini-episode where they would invite a celebrity guest to review the chapter with them. My three favourite guests (from memory) were Dame Emma Thompson, George Ezra and Michael Sheen who had me in absolute stitches!
The success of the series has been unbelievable. The trio have now toured the world reading ‘lost chapters’, doing live Q&A’s and even sharing Christmas Porno episodes.
After the unpredictable 2020 we’ve had so far, I’m praying that our magical trio will reunite for book six. I’m on the edge of my seat to find out who Belinda Blumenthal will mount next! You thought Dobby’s death in Harry Potter was a plot-shock. Finding out who ‘The Special One’ was in book five was the true gag of the decade.
Jamie, James and Alice – please brighten up our traumatic start to the roaring twenties with more sexually-traumatising written porn. The world needs you!
To listen to the podcast, click the picture below to be taken to the official My Dad Wrote A Porno website. I promise you won’t be disappointed – believe me, I’m on my 4th relisten now.
